All White Men to be Searched at Logan Airport

Posted on April 18, 2013



Following the FBI’s release of a photo of the suspect in the Boston bombings, TSA announced today all white men flying out of Logan Airport will be searched. “We’d like to make it clear that this is not racial profiling, “ says Thomas Crow, TSA worker, “It is simply that one white man did a horrible thing, and as a result, all white men are potentially dangerous.”

An outcry has resulted, particularly from sports fans. “I swear they are only going to search me because I’m white and I’m wearing a baseball cap,” says one brunette white man in the line to be searched. “I don’t think having a particular sports team I root for means I should be stopped at an airport?” Although it is true that the line contains only white men in hats, Thomas Crow is unshaken, “I don’t care if they’re religious sports fanatics. The baseball hats are a secondary indicator in addition to their skin color.”

How does TSA determine who is white?  “I can usually make an accurate gut decision about who is white and who is not by looking at them,”   Thomas Crow said while adding another white man to the line for those to be searched, “Of course if we miss someone that everyone else views as white, we are sure to correct our mistake.”

Despite their heightened security, many citizens have complained about white men in hats on their flights.  One woman changed seats after the white man next to her prayed over his in-flight meal in Jesus’ name.  Another flight had a two-hour delay as all suspicious looking white men were searched a second time.

“It made me feel safer,” one passenger reported.

Jefferson Smart, a man whose race we could not really determine just by looking at him, told us his thoughts. “Because the suspect is white, I’m going to assume he’s a Christian. This is just the proof that we needed that the Christian religion is not peaceful.” Thomas Crow overheard this comment, and as a result, all white, Christian men wearing baseball caps will be detained in jail for a night before being able to fly.

Another man, a white man from the suspect’s home town, saw us conducting interviews and asked to make a public statement, “Earlier this week I said that when the terrorist is discovered, we should bomb his hometown. I would like to rescind that statement.”

Further Reading:

Teen stunned at portrayal as bombing suspect

An Arab in Boston, after the Boston Marathon bombings 


‘Not To Be Racial Profiling, But…’ Chris Matthews Asks If FBI Can ID Boston Suspects’ Ethnicity From Photos

Terrorism and Privilege: Understanding the Power of Whiteness

What Does It Feel Like To Be Racially Profiled?

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