I still remember every comment I received about my looks between the ages of 11-17. I know I’m not alone.
My friend and I recently got our hair cut together, and as we considered how short to cut it, one of us remembered aloud, “Well, someone once told me I’m not thin enough for really short hair.” We both laughed… but we didn’t cut our hair too short, just in case.
Some of our worst insecurities about our appearance may be the result of an offhanded remark more than a decade ago. It’s a nightmare, and it’s sick. We all agree that it’s not okay, and so we try to help the girls in our life.
We see the little girls who are navigating the halls of middle school and we flinch, remembering how we felt about our bodies at that age.
“Wow, you are BEAUTIFUL!” we tell them.
We have trouble warming up to a shy, insecure high schooler at youth group.
“I like your boots!” we tell these strange girls when we meet them.
We sit at a coffeeshop as our friends tell us about a person who deeply hurt them.
“Whatever, she’s probably just jealous. And anyways, you’re drop dead gorgeous!”
Complimenting one another on our looks is the equivalent of seeing a house that is sinking into quicksand, your girl sitting on the roof as it sinks, and throwing her planks of wood so she can try to build another house.
We may each picture someone different sitting on that roof. It might be your wife, your girlfriend, your daughter, your best friend. For me, it’s my sister Rose. She’s the one who has inspired me to second guess the entire building-a-house-on-quicksand thing because I don’t want her to survive—I want her to thrive.
The problem with our societal body image is not the result of a few offhand remarks from cruel boys or catty girls about our bodies/appearance. It’s the basic assumption that as women, our entire value is wrapped up in how others think we look. By giving mainly appearance-based compliments, we’re participating in such a society. We’re teaching young girls, girls who are still gathering information about how life works, that the most important thing about them is how pretty their boots are, or how nice their hair looks, and especially, how beautiful they are.
Often, we give body image talks that focus on convincing girls that they are beautiful. But no girl that you’re teaching that to is going to be the most beautiful girl in the world (even if they were, they wouldn’t know it because they’d be seeing pictures of Photoshopped women and plastic bodies all their lives). If their self-esteem is rooted in believing that they are amazingly beautiful, their self-esteem is going to be rocked every single day. A simple pimple or puffy face would throw their value awry.
Think of your girl. You tell her she’s beautiful all the time, right? Explain to her what you mean by that. And please, compliment her. Where do you believe that her true value lies?
Start today. Whoever you thought of earlier in the post is the person that you should compliment right now, this afternoon, and empower them to be confidently embodied women who are convinced of their inestimable value.
Let’s work together to take the hands of the girls in our life and pull them out of the quicksand, and help them build a house on solid ground.
I’ll start. Why don’t you add on, in the comments below?
Tom Baker
April 11, 2012
This is great and what every girl needs to hear and begin to believe. Your hair was/is awesome!
abelovedone
April 11, 2012
Thanks, Tom. I’ve always had fun braiding hair.
the ives unplugged
April 11, 2012
Just called my wife, thanks Farrell.
Oh and I really hope you are still involved with youth groups when my daughter starts going!
abelovedone
April 11, 2012
Thanks Mike! I hope I am too! Although I have a feeling she is going to be so sweet that I’m going to be tempted to start working with infants 🙂
Crystal Cartwright
April 11, 2012
Farrel,
This was beautiful and very much needed! In our society, everything is set up against what the TRUE definition of beauty is and who suffers becasue of it? Our girls and us women. Even when we know the images of the perfect woman are unrealistic and photo-shopped, there’s still something in many of us, that strives to be the exception to the rule and pushes harder to meet False standards of beauty. Almost like if we work out hard enough, buy more make up, skip a few more meals we will be just as beautiful as the women we see in the magazine or on billboards. Like you Farrell, I can remember EVERY negative comment about my appearance from the ages of 10-18. And at 27 years old, they still sting and are the driving force behind many of my insecurities. Like you, I want to spare the next generation this type of negativity and insecurity and I believe that begins with fostering healthy self esteem within the girls God allows to cross our Paths!
Bless you for the essay!
BTW..I’ve always thought you were so beautiful and sweet 🙂
abelovedone
April 11, 2012
Crystal,
Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog and comment. I always love your statuses on facebook that link to articles or stories that affirm women and our identity, so thanks! It’s so important to think through how to aggressively help young girls to steer clear of the beauty lies that they are going to inevitably be fed. I agree with you that we are set up to try out hardest to EARN the right to be beautiful. I’m so glad that you’re thinking all of this through with me. Thanks again for commenting and for your compliment :). I’ll never forget the beautiful woman from Gospel Choir who made me cry every time she sang “My Help.”
Farrell
Lindsey
April 11, 2012
i like this. and you! you know how to make everyone feel valued, not just the pretty girls with the nice boots. and that’s what’s “beautiful” about you! (at least, one of the things!) 🙂
abelovedone
April 11, 2012
Now THAT’S a compliment.
Thanks, Lindsey. You’ve always been really good at encouraging me!
Patrick Bigsby
April 11, 2012
I try not to be a cruel boy, but I am an extraordinarily catty one. Keep writing!
Rose:)
April 12, 2012
So can we agree that you are literally the best sister ever in the world? I cried in the middle of my high school library reading your not. I love you and you are the best.
Rose:)
April 12, 2012
*note
Angel
April 16, 2012
That was beautiful and incredibly said. Rose is so lucky to have such an awesome big sister to guide her and show her God’s truth. Erik is pretty blessed as well…. You are truly beautiful inside and out!
abelovedone
April 18, 2012
Thank you so much, Angel! I’m lucky to have Erik and Rose, too. I really appreciate your kind words so much!!
The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife
April 20, 2012
love this! working with middle school age youth has really challenged me to go beyond “you look pretty” compliments to character building compliments. great post – you are truly an all-around beautiful person!