Why I Hate Meeting Boys… A Guest Post

Posted on May 31, 2011

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Here is another guest post from our friend Mary.  Last time she asked us, “What’s so Wrong with Being Wifey Material?”  Now she’s done being wifey material, and just trying to be friend material.  Find out how that’s been going here…

I’m a girl. I’m very friendly and personable. I love people. I love my friends, I love talking with strangers, I love making new friends. I’ve rarely met a person (male or female) who I haven’t thought “I’d like to be friends with them!”

But unfortunately, I’ve learned that I hate meeting boys. First of all, plenty of boys find me attractive. So, I understand that if I boy ever comes up and talks to me it’s usually because he thinks I’m pretty. Yes, I realize how shallow that is, but I also realize that that’s how boys work.

They don’t think “She looks nice and sincere, even if she is incredibly homely-looking. I’d like to approach her.” They approach girls who they find pretty. That’s that.

And maybe that’s the problem: boys have a one-track mind. If they’re approaching a girl who they think is pretty (and those are the only girls they’re going to approach anyway), they’re ultimately thinking only of one thing. Maybe it’s “She’s beautiful. I’d like to take her on a date and maybe one day we’ll fall in love and get married and she’ll birth our beautiful children,” or maybe it’s “What a hottie. I hope I get lucky tonight,” but either way, I’m willing to bet it’s never “She’ll make a really good friend.”

But that sucks. Because I like friends, and I like friends who are girls and I like friends who are guys. I’m not one of those girls who only has guy friends and talks about how guys are so much greater than girls. I’m happy to say that my closest friends are definitely girls, and they mean the whole world to me. But I also have some really dear guy friends. Guys just bring something different to the table, and they’re fun to be around.

So here’s the problem. In the past couple of weeks, at random places (‘N’ in an airport, ‘R’ in a store) I’ve met two different guys. Because I am friendly and personable and a chatty Cathy, I had very friendly conversations with both of them. And because I can never say no to someone asking for my phone number (as I have no idea how to politely say no), I always give my phone number when someone asks. (True story: once I was at a bar with my best friend when two creepers came up to her and asked her for her phone number. She responded, “I don’t give out my number to people I don’t know.  [Pointing right at me..] But she does!!!”)

Now both of these guys seem super nice and friendly. I could definitely see myself being friends with both of them, and I’d love to have more friends. In fact, N is a solid Christian, and I would absolutely adore having more Christian friends. But I don’t want to date either of them. This is because:

20% — There’s an ex with whom things are not completely severed, and dating anyone else right now just doesn’t feel right to me right now.

35% — I just have too much going on in my life that’s demanding a lot of time and attention and dating is the last thing I should be doing.

35% — I just don’t have any interest in dating right now. The idea is just not appealing to me at all. Would I love to have a serious relationship right now? Sure, I think I’d really enjoy that. But that does not translate to me wanting to date. At all.

10% — There’s just nothing about either of these guys that made me think “hmm.. I might like to date them.” Maybe it’s because I’m just totally turned off to the idea right now, but when I don’t have those immediate sparks, it doesn’t make me want to be turned on to the idea.

So I’ve texted with both of these guys over the weeks. I even hung out with N the day after I met him (not a date, he was helping me with something). But it’s very clear now that both of these guys are interested in going on a date. Asking if I’m free for dinner/drinks on a Friday or Saturday night = clearly a date. Ugh. But I don’t want to go on a date. I don’t want to dress up, I don’t want to go to dinner, I don’t want to have awkward conversation, I don’t want them to try to kiss me afterwards, I don’t want to. But of course when someone repeatedly asks you when you’re free and when they can take you out, you eventually have to say yes.

So there’s the dilemma. You say no, and you’re a B (guess that word..). You’re friendly with a guy, you give him your number, you text him a couple times, but you refuse to go out with him. That’s not nice. Maybe you’ll never see him again and there’s no harm, no foul. But likely you feel terrible about yourself for making him think you’re a B, so you say yes…  But the problem with saying yes is (besides suffering through a date you don’t want to be on), on a scale of 1-10, how awkward is it to go on a date and then pull the old “I think we’re better as friends” card. Oh, I’m gonna go with about a 12. Like, “Thanks, lady. You lead me on, you let me pay for your dinner, and then you just bounce. Great, thanks.”

So what’s a girl to do? I just scheduled date #1 with R. I’m trying to put on a happy face and be optimistic about  the night, but I’m already looking forward to it being over. I’m trying with all that I am to avoid scheduling date #1 with N, but it looks like it’s inevitably going to happen. And it sucks because these two guys could have been great friends but now I’m just going to resent them and avoid wanting to hang out with them at all costs. If only it wasn’t so awkward for guys and girls to meet and be friends, and only friends. If somewhere down the line in develops into more, then awesome. But the pressure of it being more than friends right off the bat is more than I can take. It’s awkward and it’s fake and it’s contrived and it ruins possible solid friendships.

Moral of the story:

-Girls, don’t be like me and give out you number to strangers unless you want to go on dates with them.

-Boys, try to be friends with girls without always being focused on dating them.

Wish me luck…

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Posted in: Guest Post