Stages of Facebook Withdrawal

Posted on April 6, 2011


UPDATE: Pinterest is the new crack

There is a part of me that has always, inately, resented facebook.   But if I am being completely honest, part of why I resent it so much is because I am so addicted to it!  And so, about a week ago, I decided to try to “withdraw” from facebook for a while.  It really felt like it would do for the soul what a toxin cleanse would do for the body.  And, I mean,  it would be a lot easier than actually doing a toxin cleanse to my body.  Right?

Day 1

Account Deactivated-  Facebook implores me: “But Maria will miss you. Teresa will miss you.  Kelly will miss you.  John will miss you.  ”

This is when I know Facebook is full of manipulation and lies.  My brother John would never miss me.

That would make such a great status.

Hour 1- I found myself opening a new tab and typing “fa.”  Oh well, old habits die hard.

Hour 2- I receive an email from a friend, and am encouraged.  See, people DO communicate through media other than facebook.

Hour 3- But what if I have been invited to something and I don’t know it?

Hour 4- Really, what is the point of life?

Hour 5- I receive a text: “You aren’t on facebook?! Is everything ok?!”

Hour 6- I receive another text. “Everything ok? Heard from ___ that you aren’t on facebook.”

Hour 7- Is everything ok?

Hour 7.5- I wish I had at least opted to have facebook email me if someone invited me to a group. Not that I’ve ever actually been invited to a group.

Hour 8- I write 9-10 friends emails in hopes that it will liven up my evening.

Hour 9- I check 4 books out of the library

Day 2

Hour 1- I think of something very funny on the way to work.  It would’ve made such a great status.  I have so many clever things to post on facebook about not being on facebook.

Hour 2- I begin typing things into a Word Doc and title it “Stages of Facebook Withdrawal,” somehow feeling better that at least this will make a good blog entry. But wait- nobody even READS my blog unless I shove it down their throats on facebook!

Hour 3- I google my own name.

Hour 4- A friend asks me if I’ve cheated at all by going on Erik’s account. I say “No.” But the idea has been planted.  I also consider going on facebook briefly in order to publish my blog about not being on facebook.

Hour 5- I make a “Day 3” heading in said Word Doc in hopes that it will help me make it that far.

Hour 6- I read an article about facebook depression. It is a thing.

Hour 7- No matter how many times you check a Word Document, it doesn’t change.

Hour 8- I begin reading book one.

Day 3

Hour 2- What is the real life equivalent of the “like” button?

Hour 3- My dad asks me to please keep blogging, even if I’m off facebook.  I start a tally of people who care about my blog.*

Hour 4- I wonder what it is about facebook that is SOOO addictive.

Hour 5- I think of someone who I haven’t stalked in several months and think about checking up on them on facebook.  But NO.   Not only do I not get to stalk them, but I forget who it even was at this point and so I’ll NEVER KNOW WHAT BECAME OF THEM.

Hour 6- I miss feedback on my every thought. Bad?

Hour 10- I finish book two.

Day 4

Day 5

Hour 3- I decide it is worth my time to do extensive internet research on linens.  Fine linens.

Hour 4-  I purchase a gray linen tablecloth from Latvia.

Hour 8- I decide I should probably redesign my entire apartment, centering around the gray linen tablecloth.

Hour 9- I start a blog entry about homeless people.

Day 6

Hour 3- I cheat and go on Erik’s facebook.  I have reasons: Kara posted pictures of me and close friends from college got engaged.  Maybe when I get facebook back I will have to search “engaged” just to find out all the excitement I’ve missed out on.

Hour 4- I literally thank God that I didn’t go off facebook during wedding season.

Hour 8- I finish book three and start book four.

Hour 9- I’m bored.

Hour 10- I start a blog about Pajama Therapy and don’t finish it (it actually is finished now: you can read it here).

Day 7

Hour 1- I start thinking about all the clever phrases I think of on the drive to work that the world is going to miss out on.

Hour 1.5- I wonder what sort of moral I will be able to derive from being off of facebook.

Hour 2- I start pondering the crack-like addictive qualities of facebook.  I wonder if it would be inappropriate to start referring to Mark Zuckerberg as a drug dealer.

Hour 5- I don’t start, or finish, the blog entry I want to write about adoption.

Hour 6- Someone says the word “blog.”

Hour 7- I decide that even if I stay off of facebook I must- must– blog again.

Day 8

Hours 1-8 – I revisit the idea of revamping my entire apartment to match my new tablecloth.   I then decide to rethink using my gray tablecloth as a conversation topic when I count the number of people who have called me an old lady as a result.**

Day 9

Hour -1- I wake up with a novel idea as well as a thesis that might just be worth going to grad school to study. Is this the result of my facebook cleanse?

Hour 1- As Lady Gaga sings to me about being born this way, I realize that she is right- I was born to write.  And to get excited about things like tablecloths.

Hour 5- I realize that I no longer miss facebook, but that if I don’t blog I AM GOING TO DIE.

Hour 7- I proudly post my blog on facebook and hope that someone will read this blog entry and find a moral to the story and post it in the comments section.  And no, realizing that there are more people who think I am an old lady than there are people who read this blog does NOT count.

*Official tally of people who will read my blog if it’s not on facebook: II

** Official tally of people who called me an old lady for being excited about a tablecloth: IIII

Posted in: Wicked Funny