What I Really Need from Don Miller

Posted on October 13, 2010

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Look for my comments on this article by Don Miller: “What Men Really Need from Women.”

After you read the article, you can read a few of my comments either via the link above or in the text below.

I won’t sum the article up here, because one of my biggest pet peeves is when people remove all the nuances of an essay or speech and sum it up in one statement (i.e. Don Miller thinks he owns the male perspective).

Farrell says:

Don,

Although you have many beautiful lessons here, there are several inaccurate, and subsequently hurtful, points. The problem stems from the fact that you are writing about all men and all women. Although you are, in fact, a man, this does not qualify you to write about all men. And although you have a specific type of woman you want and have figured out the type of woman you need, your experience does not give you a factual analysis of what EVERY man needs and how every woman should act. There is no Scripture, there is no science- this entire article is based on experience. You say “The truth is, I don’t know you, and we’ve never met, so I promise this isn’t personal.” However, you are the one who took the step from “What I Really Need from a Woman” to a “What Men Really Need from Women.” You have swept us all into one article and therefore made it personal. The hurtful part is that there are assertions and value judgments that you have placed on us all. This is the type of reasoning that can quickly go from benign to crippling. I would urge you to reconsider this topic from a Biblical perspective and re-evaluate how God sees the weak and broken and how he views men and women.

Farrell

 Ben says:

While I don’t necessarily disagree with you, could you give concrete examples of why you are criticizing
the post? It doesn’t seem fair for you to say, “You’re wrong.” and then not say how or why.

 Nora says:

This post should indeed be titled “What I Want in a Woman,” and then there wouldn’t be anything offensive about it.

 Farrell says:

Ben,

Actually, my main argument is not that there is a specific point that Don makes that is just flat out wrong. Instead, the way that his points are arrived at are dangerous and tread on unsteady ground. Generalities about men and women that stem not from research, not from the Bible, but from personal, engendered preference turn out biased. When biased opinion about the way one sex should be is presented as an objective goal, I think that is wrong.

The conversation between AES and Sadie above us are exactly what I am referring to. To a woman who has been victimized, sentences like “I’m just saying if you have the characteristics of a wounded animal, you are going to attract somebody who eats wounded animals” are extremely hurtful. I think that although Don has undoubtedly had experience with wounded women, that does not qualify him to say this. In many ways, he seems to imply that if only a girl were “strong” enough, she could avoid hurt and loneliness. As Sadie says, MUCH more research is needed on this subject before such strong imagery about victimized women should be used!

The section of the blog that speaks about the practical list about what men need from women is another section I would like to refer to. It places in one man’s hand the ability to take his preferences and turn them into value judgments. If every man is given that power, there are going to be even more “wounded animal” women than there were before. It is ok to say, “this is what I want in a woman” but not “this is the type of woman every woman should strive to be.”

I would like to add that the part of this post that I DID enjoy was the paragraph that begins by saying, “Here is the last bit of advice: We are not going to get the love we really need from each other.” It is very well worded and an example of the type of writing from Don Miller that I love.

Farrell

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Posted in: Seriously