What does Bridezilla Dream About?

Posted on October 13, 2010

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Although I am not actually Bridezilla (friends, bridesmaids, Erik… please vouch for me here?), I do believe that my current alter ego does look something like a giant reptile terrorizing the city of Boston with a white wedding gown on (I also have days where I feel like a giant gorilla, but Queen Kong doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as Bridezilla).  Maybe it is possible for stress to produce giant claws growing out of reptilian skin; if so, I have very high confidence that my photographers should be able to catch me at just the right angle to cover my scales.

All this to say, every night for the past week or so I have been having wedding nightmares.  They are all actually really funny and bizarre.  So far, none of them could actually happen (I just knocked on wood… just in case).  That is why I want to share my wedding nightmares so that other brides-to-be can empathize, friends can laugh, and people who never want to get married can add another reason to their lists.  Here are a few genres of dreams I have had so far:

1) The wedding is today! In these dreams (common, I am told, among engaged women), the wedding has arrived, which means that the show must go on despite any parts of the planning process that haven’t been completed.  In one of these dreams, I had to pick the songs for the ceremony right before walking down the aisle (everyone knows “Be Thou My Vision,” let’s pick that one).  In another, I am at the reception venue 4 hours before the wedding.  I am not dressed or ready, and the place is in shambles.  The wedding coordinator comes up to me and asks, “Hey, so is there anything I should be doing?”  I gaze, horrified, as hundreds of waiters place mismatched tablecloths on mismatched tables.  “Um, I don’t have flowers yet,” I tell the wedding coordinator, “Maybe you could go to the Christmas Tree Shop and buy me some centerpieces? Here are my keys.”

2) Dress dreams. In one dream, I show up to a fitting and my dress is brown.  Plain and brown, hanging to the floor, without a bead or stitch or piece of lace to be seen.  In another dream, my bridesmaids are sitting down to dinner eating huge subs (“I can’t eat a large steak and cheese sub three weeks before the wedding!” I tell them).  They are very excited to show me their most recent purchase: beige corsets.  It took a long time to make sure they each got one that fit.  They just couldn’t wait to wear them on top of their dresses.

3) Everyone wears white. And it’s a double wedding. In one dream, my mother shows me her (very beautiful) dress– it’s white, and it’s to her knees, and it has tulle.  In another dream, I am in the pews patiently waiting for my turn to be married, because, of course, there is a wedding happening right before mine. I am sitting with Teresa, who is giving me last minute pointers, and there is a huge wad of gum in my mouth that I don’t know how to get rid of or how to throw away in time.  One of the best details of the wedding before mine?  All the bridesmaids were wearing white.

I won’t tell you the rest of my dreams… like saving Rose from vampires all night (then I’d have to admit that I watched the new Twilight movie last week)… because they would probably bore you/reveal too much about my psyche.  All I can say is that none of my nightmares have included Erik, and so I’m pretty sure that as soon as I get down the aisle and am standing next to him, I won’t notice anything else.  Not even beige corsets, mismatched tablecloths, or plastic centerpieces bought at the Christmas Tree Shop by my wedding coordinator.

*Please feel free to forward this to any psychologist friends or acquaintances.

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Posted in: Wicked Funny